Am I in a fever dream, or is this just how we operate in public now?
You’ve asked yourself this as many times as I have. People have become unhinged — they have, not the people reading this or the dude writing it.
I’m talking about some other, vague Stephen King-esque entity that only exists in the form of strangers in line, or the dead-eyed, disenfranchised expression of a barista.
They are not us. We are kind and polite. We are not like them. They are rude and loud.
But together, we make a society. One that seems to be quickly collapsing if you judge a society by how it orders a drink, a meal, or a service in public.
There’s a lot of debate about what’s changed for us since the pandemic. Let’s be fair — not all the dominoes have fallen yet since 2020, in a culture-shifting pandemic that many argue we’re still in the midst of.
But here’s where I think we can all agree. Our expectations are too high, and the people behind the counter are just as fed up with our shit — sorry, their shit — as we are with each other.
So it’s time I introduce you to bar law. I’ve based my code of conduct on how to act in a bar because that’s where I cut my teeth, but this can be applied pretty much anywhere in Detroit, the suburbs, the world — you name it.
It is my humble hope that bar law may be what we need to keep our society stitched together by the few frayed fibers we’ve got left.
Know what you want before they need to know. There’s nothing cute about struggling to navigate a menu in front of someone trying to serve you. Get your order right before you waste anyone’s time. And if you need help or have questions, that’s OK! Especially at a place that’s more cocktail– or wine-forward and fancy — those places should have trained staff that’s knowledgeable and game to walk you through the menu (fancy places that make you feel bad for asking questions are the worst). Asking for a recommendation at a beer and shot bar? Not so much.
Tipping is mandatory. There are a lot of low-hanging jokes about how you have to tip for everything these days. And I’ve felt frustrated, too. If I ain’t sitting, why am I tipping? I get it — but here’s the larger problem. A lot of you don’t tip at all. It’s left for the rest of the world to pick up the tab, and you piss everyone off along the way. It’s 20% minimum. Do the math. And if you’re arguing with me in your head while reading this, become a person who hasn’t built their identity around explaining why they don’t tip. No one is charmed.
If you don’t go out a lot, lower your expectations. It’s that one night of the month you can get away and actually enjoy the world as adults. You want it to be perfect. As it turns out, that’s harder and harder to achieve, as service industry workers are asked to do more and receive less for it. That doesn’t mean people aren’t trying to give the best service they can. It just means that, overall, things are lesser to some degree. This might be your night out, but for the folks behind the bar, it’s another night of the week. A true professional behind the bar will bring their A game for you, as long as you bring your patience and understanding that it simply ain’t like it was before in ways you can measure and ways you can’t. Adjust accordingly.
And for my most existential point of the column … remember that the best night of your life is someone’s worst. Read the room. Don’t make it worse. Leave it better than you found it. Take your glasses back to the damn bar. Buy a drink for someone who needs it. Relax. Enjoy the world we’re in today for what it is. Don’t expect service from the world we knew before. It’s harder than ever before for everyone.
As I’m writing this, I’m currently getting served a draft beer by a bartender who looks like they wanna be anywhere else in the world than serving me a frosty Miller Lite.
That’s fair. I’ll tip. I’ll be kind.
After all, I’ve got no clue what jerk might’ve come in here before me. All I know is that we’re in this together, so let’s have a drink and let’s take care of each other. Cheers!
Best Local Bar Laws
I asked the bartenders at some of my favorite spots around the city for their idea of bar law.
Tia Fletcher, Bumbo’s in Hamtramck
“Don’t ask me about myself or my life after 1 a.m. No long-winded stories after 1:30 a.m.”
Brad Edmundson, Bronx Bar in Detroit
“This isn’t your buddy’s basement. Don’t move the furniture or put your drinks on the pool table. Coming in with a strange and rude sense of ownership is a big red flag. It’s like they’re announcing that they’re a problem before they order a drink.”
Bridget Volpe, MotorCity Wine in Detroit
“Don’t yell your order at me before I get to you. Don’t yell your order into my back. I’ll get to you when I’m ready, and you’ll know when I’m ready.”
Cindy Furkovich, Jumbo’s in Detroit
“Don’t be an asshole.”
Ryan Patrick Hooper is the host of In the Groove on 101.9 WDET, Detroit’s NPR station (weekdays from noon to 3 p.m.).
This story originally appeared in the November 2024 issue of Hour Detroit magazine. To read more, pick up a copy of Hour Detroit at a local retail outlet. Our digital edition will be available on Nov. 6.
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